I am puke
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
