just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
