Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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