I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
