Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
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Why is your signature on my underwear?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
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Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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