I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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