i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
