I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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