She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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