You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
