I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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