it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
