You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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