Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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