i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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