Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
