I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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