i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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