I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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