Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
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i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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