I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
