y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
