she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
