Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
