I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
