i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
