I have demons in me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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