His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
