I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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