I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
