I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
There are leaves in my underwear?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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