You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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