I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
