When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
