my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
