Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
