I met the friendliest cop last night
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
