Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
