I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
