can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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