It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
