My Higher Power is John Stamos
false alarm. still invincible.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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