I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
