Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
