Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Success! We fucked roommates!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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