I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
