I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
