Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm experimenting with sincerity
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
