i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
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Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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