I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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