You made me cry and you don't even care
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
