mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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