remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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