The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
