ya dads aren't the best wingmen
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
